top of page
  • Writer's pictureJimmy Ekdahl

The Pacifier of Pain

The problem of pornography has become ever more prominent in our society today, yet have we stopped to ask why this is? Often times it’s easy to fabricate excuses for why things are the way that they are. Perhaps this looks like explaining it away as an enjoyable habit or entertaining but at the end of the day what role does pornography serve in our lives? Far too often it resembles a deeper level of hurt that we fail to recognize or neglect to address.

It often ends up that pornography becomes a simple fix to our deeper hurts. But this begs the question, is it really helping us? Typically, porn use serves to fill a void of loneliness or belonging. These are needs at the core of every person on this earth. We all want to feel known, loved, and cherished. Perhaps we think that will come later when we get married, or we lacked this growing up. Regardless, this is a need we all seek to find. Yet, instead of seeking out fixes to these needs in good, life-giving, healthy ways, we go to the easy solutions of pornography to help. But what happens when the screen goes dark, and we remain alone with our inner self? When the curtains are drawn, and we are again with our thoughts and fears we must confront what really lies underneath and drives us to these places.

I have been hard pressed to find someone who truly reflects on their history with porn and views it positively. Frequently porn is viewed as a means to reach the “happy” feeling that comes with it. Unfortunately, like any high, you must come down. Most often the driving force behind wanting to “get high” is a feeling or emotion in our lives we want to run from. Porn is compared to drugs like opioids and cocaine and likewise is used to supplement something we don’t have in our lives. With cocaine or other drugs, the object is frequently to bring happiness or escape current circumstances. Likewise, porn is utilized to escape feelings of loneliness or abandonment. This is not exclusive because many people are consumed by porn without these motivators. Yet, the common trend is always a dissatisfaction with the current circumstances.

Some of the most frequent reasons to turn towards porn use have to do with issues related to interpersonal relations. Abandonment, loneliness, and feelings of inadequacy or less than often drive consumers to pornographic websites and material. Sometimes we don’t even recognize these feelings under the surface of our well-constructed veneer by which we show ourselves to the world. Yet, lurking in the shadows we tend to hide emotional scars that we don’t like to acknowledge. Perhaps this stems from an abandonment that occurred when you were young, maybe you grew up lonesome, or were bullied into believing you didn’t matter & don’t measure up. Regardless, if these are the truths in your heart, they remain true whether we want to acknowledge their presence or not. When something is wrong, it requires skillful repair to bring it back to full function. When a person is injured or sick, they require healing and the care of medical professionals to return them to their healthy state. Likewise, these heart wounds require care and healing to help us return to full heart health.

If someone is shot, a band aid is not going to prevent them from bleeding out. Band aids are great for paper cuts but not nearly strong enough for a gun shot wound. Likewise, porn is a band aid for much deeper hurts. It may make us feel better in the immediate, but the serious damage underneath must be healed, or we remain stuck in our deep hurt. Abandonment can lead us to desire to feel wanted. It can make us wish to have someone crave our time, our love, & our attention. Far too often we turn to porn to fill this void. We think that if we can trick ourselves with the face behind a screen, the hurt that lives inside our hearts will vanish. There is truth to this too. It does vanish, but unlike a forever departure into the void, these lurking hurts instead end up cast away only to return soon with more a vengeance than before. What lived in us as a mere past hurt now combines with guilt and shame for an even more potent mix.

The point of this is by no means directed at minimizing hurt, quite the opposite. We must appreciate these wounds instead of simply trying to bury them. It isn’t unusual to not want something wrong with you. But when we deny the existence of hurt, it doesn’t change that these wounds remain. Like a cancer patient living in denial, we still have a problem that needs solving, it’s just a matter of recognition. Likewise, we should tend to these hurts and heal them. This starts by recognizing where we have hurts. What drives you to porn use? Do you seek the validation of another? Do you want to feel loved? Do you have poor self-worth and seek someone to say otherwise? Or perhaps you have felt the sting of romance gone wrong in the real world and fear, hurt, or shame drive you to seek out a digital fix with low risk.

No matter which is true for you, or even if none of these apply, just because a wound is not recognized does not make it go away. How does this correspond with porn use? Most of the time, porn is not just entertainment or a way to pass the time. Instead, it’s a pacifier to cling to in hopes of soothing wounds elsewhere in our lives. Porn is sought after as a stabilizing force to help us cope with present circumstances. The problem with that mentality is that porn is anything but stabilizing. It breaks trust, destroys relationships, ends marriages, encourages sex trafficking, and leads to stronger feelings of depression. That means that the perceived “fix” for these heartaches, simply exacerbates our woes.

Maybe this is you. There is no condemnation, I was there too. But it’s important to know that there is hope. No matter where you come from, what hurts you carry, or how deep you’re in, there is hope. Porn won’t make your hurts go away; it will only numb them until later. This might sound okay, at least a little relief would help, right? But make no mistake, numbing your pain will only keep it coming back even stronger. Better yet, why would you want to merely stop the bleeding when you could rest in complete healing? Just one foot in front of the other, one day at a time you can start to walk away from porn. Close the door to porn and instead focus on healing the root of these wounds!

12 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page